Relationships Before Rules
As part of our training, we have been reading and discussing Mending Broken Hearts and Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow. Both books have challenged us to think about support as much more than completing tasks or changing behavior.
People carry memories of how others have treated them. They remember the people who made them feel afraid, powerless, or unwanted. But they can also build new memories of being safe, feeling valued, listened to, and cared about. This means the everyday interactions we have with people matter. A smile matters. Our tone of voice matters. Sitting beside someone matters. Keeping our word matters. Showing up again after a difficult day matters.
One idea from our training that has stayed with us is “This does not change who you are to me.” A difficult moment does not make someone less deserving of our care or respect. Our relationship with someone should not disappear because they are struggling.
Our Hands, Eyes, Words, and Presence
We have spent time learning about the four tools that we always carry with us. Our hands, our eyes, our words, and our presence.
Our hands can communicate warmth and connection. Our eyes can communicate that we are listening and paying attention. Our words can encourage someone or hurt them. And our presence, simply how we enter a room and how it feels to be around us, can communicate calm and safety.
These tools look different for every person. A hug may make one person feel loved while making another person uncomfortable. Some people want conversation when they are upset. Others need quiet. The goal is to learn each person's language of safety instead of expecting everyone to respond to support in the same way.
Nurture, Teach, and Sustain
Another lesson we have taken from the training is the idea of nurturing first, then teaching, and then sustaining. Before we can expect someone to learn from us, there needs to be trust. Instead of beginning with “How do we get this person to do what we are asking?” we can begin with “How do we help this person know that they are safe with us?”. From there we can teach new skills, support greater independence, and help people have more control over their own lives.
Independence does not have to mean doing everything alone. We are all interdependent. We all rely on other people. Good support should help people build relationships, participate in their communities, make choices, and direct their own lives.
Bringing This Home to Mathews Supports
This training has given us a lot to think about as Mathews Supports continues to grow. A Culture of Gentleness cannot simply be something we talk about during a training. It has to show up in the ordinary moments between people. It should influence how our staff support people, how supervisors support staff, how we respond when something goes wrong.
Ultimately, we want people supported by Mathews Supports to know:
- You are safe with me.
- You are important to me.
- It is good to be together.
- Your voice matters.
Our learning is not finished. We still have more training ahead of us and another book to read as part of our mentorship. In April 2027, Tim Jones from COR will also be coming to New Jersey to continue working with us before we complete the training.
We are excited to keep learning, but even more importantly, to put what we are learning into practice. A Culture of Gentleness is not really about a training certificate, it is about who we are becoming and the way people feel when they are supported by us.
The Mathews Supports Team
Are in the Mercer County area? Help make Mercer County towns more inclusive. Participate in the Mercer County Listening Sessions
PARTICIPATE IN LISTENING SESSIONS
Join a one-hour conversation on Zoom with a small group of other Mercer County residents. The Supportive Housing Association of New Jersey (SHA) wants to hear from people who know firsthand what it’s like to live, work, and get around in their town. You are the expert on your own experience!
WHO SHOULD JOIN?
You should participate if you live in Mercer County and have lived experience in one or more of the following
categories:
● Intellectual and developmental disabilities (I/DD)
● Physical disabilities
● People experiencing or at risk of homelessness
If you are interested in helping SHA connect with Mercer County residents for their Integrated Community Project (ICP), registration for their two virtual listening sessions closes on
Monday, October 26.
Session options (both on Zoom):
- Morning Session: Tuesday, October 27, 2026, 11:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m.
- Evening Session: Wednesday, October 28, 2026, 6:00 to 7:00 p.m.
Register Here
The sessions are open to people with disabilities who live or work in Mercer County, including those with physical, intellectual, and developmental disabilities, mental illness, those in substance use recovery, older adults, and people who have experienced homelessness.
If you have any questions, please contact the Supportive Housing Association of New Jersey at
973-900-7514
